chrisjnelson's Xanga

The "Fringe" Formula: How to write shitty, unimaginative television

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 16:24:41 GMT

Now you at home can write your very own Fringe episode! Just follow these simple steps:

1. Open with unknown characters and a crazy occurrence (usually intense and well-executed, the best part of the show. It's all downhill from here.)
2. The government agents arrive, shocked and baffled at what has taken place.
3. Bring in Walter Bishop, the crazy old scientist. "Wait!" says Walter Bishop. "I have an idea about what may have happened here even though none of these other government agent from various fields has any clue. We did experiments similar to this about 30 years ago in my lab and no one else in the world has made advancements in this area except for these particular evil-doers!"
4. Walter Bishop makes some unorthodox and seemingly insane requests to do research. He also asks his son Peter to pick up a random food for him (cotton candy, root beer, etc.) that he's not had in decades due to being institutionalized. (Note: an intelligent person might think "Hey, this was amusing maybe once, and doing it every episode is just retarded and lazy!" Well then you sir simply don't know comedic genius when you see it.)
5. Walter does his crazy experiments, while his son Peter is continually sarcastic and skeptical. This of course despite Peter's reported IQ of 190 and the fact that we're seven episodes in and Walter's hunches is always on the money and it always works EVERY TIME.
6. Walter forgets his assistant Astrid's name. Similar to his food requests, you might think this is getting repetitive, tired and completely unfunny. Well...shut up!
7. Olivia follows up on a lead elsewhere, eventually has to collaborate with Walter an his research and it's a race against the clock.
8. Whew! We just made it. Saved the day. All is well...or is it?
9. But wait...slight twist ending? Holy crap! Tune in next week!

And there you have it.

Look, I gave this show a shot. It looked kinda cool, it was by the guy from LOST, it had Pacey from Dawson's Creek and Charlie from The Might Ducks. (Splooge!) So I figured what the hell. But unless you're a brain-dead moron, you cannot deny that it is pretty awful television. It's got bad acting, bad plots, bad everything. It's The X-Files re-packaged for a new generation with J.J. Abrams' name slapped on it. But it's crap. Pure crap.

That's all.

I've invented a new foreplay move.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 23:52:15 GMT

Are you ready for this? I call it "the iPod." Now "the iPod" works on both men and women. Really, it works with anything with nipples, but we're going to assume anyone reading this isn't dabbling into bestiality.

So what you do is this. You grab your partner's breast. Then you take one of your digits (I prefer the thumb, but really any finger will work.) Now, you moved it around in a circle around the nipple. Swirl it, if you will. Naturally, it's call "the iPod" because this is the same motion one makes to scroll through their iPod. That is, unless you don't have an iPod or only own an iPod shuffle, in which case you don't deserve to touch someone else's nipples anyway.

I have a feeling this is gonna be huge. Pretty soon, everyone is going to be giving "the iPod" to someone else. People are gonna skip class to give each other "iPods" in the bathroom. Jay-Z will be giving "the iPod" to his bitches in music videos. Tabloids are going to try to snap photos of celebrities giving each other "the iPod" on secluded beaches on the Mediterranean. People are going to forget that an iPod is an mp3 player, and when you say "I gave Tom an iPod for his birthday" people are gonna be like, "Dude, don't talk about Tom's nipples in church!"

So watch out, World. You're about to get the best "iPod" ever.

Cover Stand-Up

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 16:22:23 GMT

So I had an idea today: why can't stand-up comedians just do like entire sets of other comedians' jokes? Sure, some would call it stealing. I call it cover stand-up. Seems to me that it's no different from a band doing a cover song of another band. I'm going to line up a stand-up gig for myself and do an entire set of cover jokes. And if someone says, "Hey, you stole all those jokes!" I'll say, "Look here, asshole, I'm not stealing. I'm just doing cover jokes. It's a tribute!" I think it's brilliant.

Five Things That Sucked About The Dark Knight

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:51:11 GMT

I should preface this by saying I thought The Dark Knight was a great movie. I've seen it three times and thoroughly enjoyed it every time. (Perhaps even more so each time.) However, it is getting a little too much credit and too much hype, with people throwing around phases like "absolutely amazing" and "best movie EVER" and "Hey, don't stick that in there!" It currently has a 9.4 on IMDb, good for FIRST all-time. That is why I have decided to point out five things about this movie that flat-out sucked. An awesome movie it was, but it was not without its flaws.

By the way, there will be some spoilers in the following text, so if you haven't already seen the movie I recommend shooting yourself in the face doing so before you read on further.

5. Some lame dialogue

Perfect example: When the cops are arresting Maroney and all the other criminals, one of them (the guy Ledger eventually takes hostage in the police station, I think) is putting a criminal in the back of a cop car and says to him, "Have a nice trip...see you next fall." Really, Christopher Nolan? Really?! That line was lame decades ago and has been in thousands of movies since. This movie is supposed to be so cool and badass, and lots of it was. But for you to just throw a stupid ass line like this in there, especially when you could have said nothing there and it would have been fine, is retarded. In all honesty, it would have made for much better commentary on my part if I could have remembered a few more examples. But oh well.

4. I knew Gary Oldman was alive. So maybe this can't actually be characterized as something that "sucked about The Dark Knight" since most people seem to have been fooled. But I'm listing it anyway. To me, it was blatantly obvious that Oldman was not dead the entire time. Reasons why:

He had no "Ahhh, I'm dying" scene. There was just a gunshot and he's down. Then he had no funeral or anything like that.
When they told his family about his death, it became obvious that he was faking his death in order to protect him and his family from being targeted by The Joker.
He's Gary mothafuckin' Oldman. They're not just gonna kill him like that with hardly a mention.

The character's last name is Gordon, and if you've ever seen a Batman movie you should have known the second he appeared in Batman Begins that he was destined to become Commissioner Gordon, which he hadn't yet.

Not to mention, could it have been any more suspicious that the guy driving the armored truck wouldn't utter a word or make a noise, despite the fact that the passenger guy was bitching and moaning the whole time and had about 20 scenes where he'd say something to the incognito Oldman. To me, that was a clear tip-off that Oldman was alive and driving the truck. It wouldn't have been more obvious if they put a sign around his neck that said: "Pay no attention to the driver of this armored truck. He is of no importance, and he's certainly not Gary Oldman's character who "died" earlier in this film."

3. Ruining a Lamborghini

Was this not the most sickening thing about the whole movie? Forget the Joker sticking a razorblade in someone's mouth, smashing a guy's head into a table or flipping Jake Gyllenhaal over and doing him dry. (That last one might be the wrong Ledger movie.) Was there no possible way they could have had Wayne protect Coleman Reese other than having him throw his beautiful Lamborghini in front of a truck to get smashed? How the hell did this scene not secure the movie an R rating?

2. Batman's voice

How the fuck were you all just not laughing your asses off at this over-the-top, raspy voice Bale put on when he was Batman? It was the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. I mean I get the whole thing about him changing his voice so that he's not quite as recognizable as Bruce Wayne, but there had to have been something else they could have done. Not to mention, he also often had a lisp when he talked as batman and sounded like he was chewing on the insides of his cheeks. You know what I mean? Watch the movie again and listen closely. There's one part where he says something like "You're a symbol for good" but he can't say 'symbol' and it comes out "shymbol." It's really lame and not just in my head. Check it out. Hey, looks like I'm not the only one that noticed:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1824339

1. Maggie Gyllenhaal

Oh. My. Fucking. God. Could this chick be any uglier? (Hint: No, she could not.) Jesus freaking Christ, if this movie had't been so awesome I might have had my experienced ruined by her face and walked out early. She's so god-awful hideous I can't stand it. It's just another reason for hating Tom Cruise for brainwashing Katie Holmes and not letting her outside to make this sequel. And maybe Gyllenhaal is a better actress than Holmes, which my mom pointed out, but my response to that would be WHO THE FUCK CARES WHEN THE BETTER ACTRESS LOOKS LIKE A CHIPMUNK THAT SOMEONE HIT IN THE FACE WITH A FRYING PAN?! I know Katie Holmes couldn't reprise her role, but was there no one else that could have done it? Anyone would have been better than Gyllenhaal. A couple people I would have preferred in this role off the top of my head: Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, Dame Judi Dench, Vin Diesel.

Ah. Much better.

I think we should make a constitutional amendment that makes it punishable by death to preserve Maggie Gyllenhaal's face in film or print. I'm not joking.

Fun with Fetuses. (Fetusi? Fetusen? Feti?)

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 14:51:40 GMT

I was driving the other day and I saw a billboard that looked like this (not my picture):
(Link: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3173/2602688861_82a4e90728.jpg?v=0)

I might be off on this one, but I'm pretty sure every egg's dream is to be a chicken, and not a fast food breakfast sandwich. It's not a baby fetus' dream to be used for stem-cell research. (Can you say 'selfish'?)

On an unrelated related note, I was driving to my friend's house the other day and saw a shitload of anti-abortion protesters on the street. I got so excited, I just had to mess with them. After I picked up my friend, I drove back toward the protesters (completely out of my way) and rolled down the window. As I passed them, I just yelled stuff like "WOOOO! ABORTION ROCKS! YAY ABORTION! WOOOOO!" It was so fun! It made me feel alive! Unlike those stupid dead baby fetuses. (Zing!)

10 things I would rather slowly shove up my ass than watch a Brett Favre-themed MNF broadcast

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 22:37:44 GMT

It seems that for the Green Bay Packers' 2008 season opener, which happens to be a Monday Night Football game being broadcast by ESPN, the network as decided to give me a complete Brett Favre theme. As Trey Wingo has apparently said, it's going to be "all Brett Favre, all the time."

Just fucking wonderful. If there was ever a guy whose media attention drove me insane more than another other, it was Favre. I had hoped that after he retired, he would fade into the background and the media would focus on, I don't know, current athletes maybe? (Crazy notion, I know.) But no. Even though Favre is retired (for the moment at least), it seems ESPN still likes the taste of his nuts just too much to let go this soon.

And so we have this Brett Favre-themed edition of Monday Night Football. I totally would tune in, except that I'm going to be busy gouging my eyes out with a fork that night. Damn.

So anyway, here is a list of 10 things I would rather slowly shove up my ass than watch this Favre suckfest. And I want you as readers to know that in preparation for this article I did shove all these things up my ass, because you just aren't doing your job as a journalist if you aren't shoving things up your ass as part of the research process. That's Day 1 stuff.

1. 16 pine cones covered with fire ants.

2. Eight broken glass bottles of Tabasco sauce.

3. Five light bulbs just big enough that when placed in the ass will shatter.

4. A dozen steak knives.

5. Seven rabid hamsters.

6. Three fire pokers straight from the fireplace.

7. As many firecrackers as can fit.

8. A basketball entirely covered with sand paper.

9. A syringe with a label that says "This syringe contains blood that is totally infected with AIDS. Do not keep anywhere near your ass."

10. A couple big-ass pineapples.*

*Full disclosure: This is really just a normal Saturday night for me.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 04:13:42 GMT

So today I'm driving through a neighborhood, and there are quite a few people out jogging. (I believe it's either jogging or 'yogging', it might be a soft J.) Anyway, in my travels I drove past a man that had committed what I considered a serious fashion faux pas. Now Crocs themselves are bad enough, but this guy was wearing BLACK socks-ones that went halfway up to his knees-with RED Crocs. It was the Holocaust of footwear. It was so bad that Helen Keller would have said, "Dahm, yuh ah fuhkn' retahed." I was this close to doing the world a favor committing vehicular homicide, but I realized that as much as I hated this guy for his incomprehensibly poor judgment, he gave me a reason to use the phrase 'faux pas' so I couldn't totally hate him.

On a completely unrelated note, I saw on TV today a trailer for an upcoming Eddie Murphy film. It seems that just for a change of pace, he's decided to make a movie in which he plays multiple characters. Innovative and fresh, I know. Now look - The Nutty Professor was pretty good. The second one sucked. So did Norbit. (Never saw it, but sometimes you just don't have to.) The point is, this whole "Eddie Murphy playing a bunch of different characters in the same movie" thing is tired and no longer funny. Not only that, if I have to hear that same trailer narrator go "Eddie Murphy......Eddie Murphy......and.....Eddie Murphy!" one more time I'm going to shoot myself in the face. Not that I care that much.

My 2008 MLB All-Star team

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 01:36:28 GMT

Man, I should really start posting here more. I always say that, and never do it. So I probably won't. But here's my 2008 MLB All-Star team selections!

American League

First Base: Justin Morneau (Twins)
Honorable mentions: Jason Giambi (Yankees), Kevin Youkilis (Red Sox)

Second Base: Ian Kinsler (Rangers)
Honorable mentions: Dustin Pedroia (Red Sox), Placido Polanco (Tigers)

Shortstop: Michael Young (Rangers)
Honorable mentions: Derek Jeter (Yankees)

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez (Yankees)
Honorable mentions: Miguel Cabrera (Tigers), Chone Figgins (Angels)

Catcher: Joe Mauer (Twins)
Honorable mentions: Dioner Navarro (Devil Rays), Jorge Posada (Yankees)

Outfielders: Milton Bradley (Rangers), Josh Hamilton (Rangers), J.D. Drew (Red Sox)
Honorable mentions: Magglio Ordonez (Tigers), Manny Ramirez (Red Sox), Grady Sizemore (Indians)

Designated Hitter: Hideki Matsui (Yankees)
Honorable mentions: David Ortiz (Red Sox), Frank Thomas (Athletics)

National League

First Base: Lance Berkman (Astros)
Honorable mentions: Adrian Gonzalez (Padres), Albert Pujols (Cardinals)

Second Base: Chase Utley (Phillies)
Honorable mentions: Mark DeRosa (Cubs), Dan Uggla (Marlins)

Shortstop: Hanley Ramirez (Marlins)
Honorable mentions: Jose Reyes (Mets), Miguel Tejada (Astros)

Third Base: Chipper Jones (Braves)
Honorable mentions: Garrett Atkins (Rockies), Aramis Ramirez (Cubs)

Catcher: Brian McCann (Braves)
Honorable mentions: Russell Martin (Dodgers), Geovany Soto (Cubs)

Outfielders: Pat Burrell (Phillies), Ryan Braun (Brewers), Ryan Ludwick (Cardinals)
Honorable mentions: Matt Holliday (Rockies), Nate McLouth (Pirates), Alfonso Soriano (Cubs)

*Note: I did this based on the MLB.com ballot, so if there are guys deserving of write-ins I probably left them out.

Chris Nelson: Student Extraordinaire!

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 16:47:40 GMT

    So last week, I had exams in thee classes over three days. It was quite a busy week and a bitch to study for. But, despite the fact that The Hills was on and I'm really behind on my Hey Arnold!, I studying my ass off. Fortunately, it really paid off!
    My first journalism exam of the semester was surprisingly hard. I thought it was going to be so easy based on the lectures, but it kicked my ass and I got a D. Well this one I was much more prepared for and I got an 86, beating the class average of 84. So I was pretty happy with that.
    Then in history, I knew I had to study like crazy because there were about 20 identification questions (where you have a person or place or war or whatever and you have to write all you know about it) out of like 100 to choose from on the study guide. So I studied, and I got a 96! A ninety-fucking-six! How the hell did I pull that one out?
    So in conclusion, yeah, I'm awesome.

    So today on the train, I saw a guy see someone he knew, and he shook his hand and said Happy New Year. What the fuck? It's April. I mean even if you haven't seen someone since before January, it's just way too late in the year to bust out a Happy New Year. Just let it go, man. Move on. There's always 2009.

The parallels between Nazi Germany and The Hills are endless

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 23:38:44 GMT

So in world history class today, we were watching a movie made about Hitler at the time he was alive. Essentially, it was a documentary about how awesome Hitler was. Our professor was explaining about how even though it was a documentary and supposed to depict "real life," it was kind of staged and directed to show how great the Nazis were because the Nazis were paying the director's salary. That's when I chimed in that it was just Like The Hills on MTV. My professor didn't know what it was, but being the pseudo homosexual Hills fan that I am, I explained to him that just like this video on Hitler, the Hills was supposedly "reality" but was quite staged and orchestrated. I was quite proud of myself, to be honest. Everyone else just laughed.